Five Signal Boosters to Strengthen Your Marriage Connection
A guest post written by Linda Hanstra
Hi, friends! Because Jerry and I are traveling this week, I asked my good friend Linda Hanstra if she’d share some words with you today.
Linda and I met several years ago when we were both members of an online writing community. Her first book, a devotional titled Lent Through the Little Things: Encountering Jesus in Life’s Little Moments, came out in 2023. Her second book. Empty-Nest Joyride: Hope, Love, and Purpose on the Road to Contentment, came out just last month. Linda also writes regularly on Substack, and I encourage you to subscribe and support her work—you can do that right here: Linda’s Substack.
Thank you, Linda, for sharing your words with us this week!
Hello! I’m Linda, and it’s an honor to be guest-posting for my dear friend, Deb, this week. She asked if I could share some thoughts on marriage from my new book, Empty-Nest Joyride: Hope, Love, and Purpose on the Road to Contentment. Since my book encourages readers to reach for personal and spiritual growth, pursue dreams and ambitions, engage in healthy relationships with adult children, and rekindle the spark in their marriage during the empty-nest years, I had no trouble finding something to share.
The following excerpt is from chapter 5: Signals On and Off the Trail: Communication Saves Lives. And Marriages.
I’m coasting down the hill and notice the distance between my front tire and my husband Tom’s rear one is shrinking.
“On your left!” I shout, and he moves over slightly to let me pass.
Now I’m in front. After a few minutes, I hear him shout, “Car back!” I edge closer to the shoulder and seconds later, hear the approaching car. It passes safely.
Ahead, I notice a spot of loose gravel. I drop and wave my hand, pointing to the gravel, to get Tom’s attention and alert him to the hazard.
Approaching the corner, we both hold out our right arms to show we're turning.
The longer we bike, the better we become at signaling. It’s a crucial part of a safe ride. Without good communication, accidents are bound to happen, so we’ve become adept at using several spoken and unspoken signals. But it wasn’t always this way.
In this chapter, I go on to tell the story of the time Tom and I got our signals crossed. I made a comment. He made an assumption. The next thing I knew, I was headed for the pavement, and I put my right arm out to break my fall. I was covered with scrapes and eventual bruises, but the pain shooting through my shoulder indicated an even deeper wound.
Biking isn’t the only venture where mixed-up signals can cause pain and suffering. Isn’t that the way it often goes in our marriages? We are cruising along, enjoying the ride. Then, sometimes without warning, we’re hurting, crying, sulking, or screaming. (As Chapter 5 continues, I tell a story of one such incident in our marriage that resulted in all of those feelings and behaviors. It’s a candid and sensitive glimpse into how difficult communication between spouses can be.)
In our 37-year marriage, we’ve experienced just about every form of “bad signal”—i.e., miscommunication. Maybe you can relate to those I outline below. Still, we can always strive to do better. Each communication struggle is followed by a “signal booster” that may help us avoid marriage mishaps.
Poor Signal #1:
Not reading the room, i.e., bringing up weighty topics when your spouse is distracted, tired, or stressed. “What do you mean, you didn’t know about my sister’s illness? I told you!” (Oops. Was he focused on work when I told him?) Or, as he’s crawling into bed, “Are you going to take time off work for the family reunion?”
Signal booster: Ask your spouse, “Is now a good time to talk?” If not, wait for a better time. Giving a general sense of the topic may help to calm any anxiety and prepare your partner for the discussion ahead.
Poor Signal #2:
Failing to listen or understand. What he said: “Our roof is looking pretty bad. I hate to imagine the cost of a new one.” What I heard: “Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.”
Signal booster: Put your phone down, make eye contact, and focus on your spouse when they’re speaking. Process what they’re saying before considering your response. Reflective listening—or repeating what you’ve heard your spouse say—is a great tool toward better understanding. If the message was unclear, it can be corrected or clarified before the conversation veers off track.
Poor Signal #3:
Using “should,” “shouldn’t,” “never,” and “always.” These words typically criticize, place blame, or imply an absolute failure of meeting expectations. “You should exercise more.” “You shouldn’t eat that.” “You never pick up your clothes.” “You always criticize me around our friends.”
Signal booster: Use “I” statements that share how you’re feeling. “I” statements are much less threatening and allow for constructive problem-solving rather than criticism or blame.
Poor Signal #4:
Avoiding direct requests; i.e., expecting your spouse to read your mind. “Why doesn’t he ever buy me flowers? If I have to ask for them, does it really count?”
Signal booster: Although we get to know our spouses pretty well after decades of marriage, we can’t know their every thought. Share with your spouse—as often as necessary—what you desire. And in turn, ask them what they would like from you.
Poor Signal #5
Making assumptions based on fear and insecurities rather than on the facts. “He must be unhappy with me and my middle-aged body.”
Signal booster: Ask your partner direct questions about their thoughts or feelings. Be willing to share your insecurities with honesty and vulnerability.
If poor signals, despite your best efforts, are hurting your marriage, you may need further support. Read a book together (or individually) on marriage communication. Attend a marriage retreat or seminar. Sign up for marriage counseling to smooth out a rough patch or simply to improve an already solid relationship. Even the strongest marriages will benefit from these additional “signal boosters.”
My unfortunate biking mishap taught us the importance of communication on the trail. But it’s the day-to-day skills we practice that keep us cruising along in our marriage.
When my shoulder pain didn’t subside, I knew the injury was deeper than surface lacerations.
After a couple of doctor visits, an MRI, and finally surgery to repair what turned out to be a torn rotator cuff, plus weeks of intense and excruciating physical therapy, I felt better than I had been before the mishap! The old shoulder that—truth be told—had been giving me problems prior to the accident was now as good as new.
Sometimes, it’s necessary to open a wound before the real healing can begin.
As a couple of old bike riders, we continue to value signaling, to communicate before making a move to prevent injury. We also know that even when our signals don’t work and we end up sprawled out on the side of the road (or hurling insults at each other), we will remain to help and care for each other.
Once the hurt has healed and the pain subsides, we often end up better and stronger than before.
You can read the whole story, plus many more reflections on marriage, parenting, and midlife transitions in Empty-Nest Joyride: Hope, Love, and Purpose on the Road to Contentment.
Linda Hanstra, a semi-retired speech-language pathologist, is living happily ever after-the-kids with her husband, Tom, in southwest Michigan. They spend summers at the lake in northern Minnesota—their home away from home. On quiet evenings and summer afternoons, you might find her reading, knitting, cycling, or kayaking. As a mother of four, and now "Lala" too, her family and faith bring her the deepest joy. Linda has been writing, blogging, and encouraging readers for over ten years. Her work can be found at lindahanstra.com and on Substack.